For me, dreaming God's dreams for us has involved a complete shift of what I perceived as a normal and healthy lifestyle. It has meant accepting the fact that I will often have to say goodbye to my husband, knowing he's heading into dangers I may never hear about or fully understand. It means many days of single parenting, trying to figure out how to fill both roles. It means I have to wipe tears off the faces of lonely children who desperately miss their Daddy and who don't fully understand why he is gone. It has meant many lonely, restless nights. It has meant facing head on some of my deepest fears - fears I would rather have left unspoken, untouched, unacknowledged. It has meant asking a lot of "what ifs" and not really having answers.
Our pastor made a statement that hit me hard on Sunday and has come to my mind over and over again since.
God is convinced that your relationship with Him is all you need.
God is convinced.... God is convinced. But am I? The great, liberating gift about being asked to walk on an uncertain path that stretches me and challenges me is this: every day I am forced to face that question. Do I believe that He is enough? Am I convinced?
Dreaming God's dreams for me has also meant embracing the reality that when I am surrounded and filled with God's Presence, I am complete. It requires me to decide and live in the Truth that the eternal rewards of following my Savior far outweigh the struggles I face in the here and now. The amazing part of it is that there is a freedom and a joy that comes in reliance on Christ - a liberation that comes in sustaining yourself in the only One who is truly faithful, able, and capable of meeting every single need of your heart.
But I have to be honest. Sometimes it's easier for me to surrender my own heart, my own hurts, and my own struggles. It's another thing entirely to believe these same things for my children. It's another thing to watch them hurt and to know that they are hurting because we chose this path for them. Even though we are confident we have followed God's leading, our biggest questions and concerns surface when we think about our kids. Sometimes it makes me literally ache inside. And yet, this week, I have felt the gentle whisper in my heart asking, "Are you convinced? Am I enough? For you? For THEM?" There is no greater gift that my children could ever receive from us than to see authentic faith and to learn to walk in it. Shielding them from pain isn't always helpful; in fact, it may sometimes hinder them from learning how desperately they need their Savior. God has clearly called us to this road and kept us here. I have to believe, then, that He is going to provide for every single need we face. And not just for Mommy and Daddy, but for our sweet children, too.
There's a song that has become our theme over this past year. It's an oldy, but a goody. :-) I'll type out the lyrics below. No matter how hard I try, I can't listen to it without crying. There have been several times Brandon and I have turned it on before he's headed "out" and quietly listened to it as the tears streamed down our faces. Sometimes following our Savior requires every ounce of energy we have. But we know, we are convinced, it's more than worth it. He is enough.
Press On (By Selah)
When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall
When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all
Chorus:
In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
To press on
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