Confident

This past Sunday our pastor shared a phenomenal sermon called "Faith Under Fire." There were several times throughout the service that I heard sniffles and saw a gal or two grab kleenex from their purses (and yes, I fought a few tears of my own). The subject of faith really resonates with me right now. Perhaps it's because in the past few years, God has beckoned our family on a faith journey we never really pictured ourselves taking. And while at the beginning I fought the whole idea tooth and nail, it's amazing how persistent God can be at working on our hearts and leading us to dream His dreams for us.

For me, dreaming God's dreams for us has involved a complete shift of what I perceived as a normal and healthy lifestyle. It has meant accepting the fact that I will often have to say goodbye to my husband, knowing he's heading into dangers I may never hear about or fully understand. It means many days of single parenting, trying to figure out how to fill both roles. It means I have to wipe tears off the faces of lonely children who desperately miss their Daddy and who don't fully understand why he is gone. It has meant many lonely, restless nights. It has meant facing head on some of my deepest fears - fears I would rather have left unspoken, untouched, unacknowledged. It has meant asking a lot of "what ifs" and not really having answers.

Our pastor made a statement that hit me hard on Sunday and has come to my mind over and over again since.

God is convinced that your relationship with Him is all you need.

God is convinced.... God is convinced. But am I? The great, liberating gift about being asked to walk on an uncertain path that stretches me and challenges me is this: every day I am forced to face that question. Do I believe that He is enough? Am I convinced?

Dreaming God's dreams for me has also meant embracing the reality that when I am surrounded and filled with God's Presence, I am complete. It requires me to decide and live in the Truth that the eternal rewards of following my Savior far outweigh the struggles I face in the here and now. The amazing part of it is that there is a freedom and a joy that comes in reliance on Christ - a liberation that comes in sustaining yourself in the only One who is truly faithful, able, and capable of meeting every single need of your heart.

But I have to be honest. Sometimes it's easier for me to surrender my own heart, my own hurts, and my own struggles. It's another thing entirely to believe these same things for my children. It's another thing to watch them hurt and to know that they are hurting because we chose this path for them. Even though we are confident we have followed God's leading, our biggest questions and concerns surface when we think about our kids. Sometimes it makes me literally ache inside. And yet, this week, I have felt the gentle whisper in my heart asking, "Are you convinced? Am I enough? For you? For THEM?" There is no greater gift that my children could ever receive from us than to see authentic faith and to learn to walk in it. Shielding them from pain isn't always helpful; in fact, it may sometimes hinder them from learning how desperately they need their Savior. God has clearly called us to this road and kept us here. I have to believe, then, that He is going to provide for every single need we face. And not just for Mommy and Daddy, but for our sweet children, too.

There's a song that has become our theme over this past year. It's an oldy, but a goody. :-) I'll type out the lyrics below. No matter how hard I try, I can't listen to it without crying. There have been several times Brandon and I have turned it on before he's headed "out" and quietly listened to it as the tears streamed down our faces. Sometimes following our Savior requires every ounce of energy we have. But we know, we are convinced, it's more than worth it. He is enough.

Press On (By Selah)

When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all

Chorus:
In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
To press on

Excuses, Excuses...

So there are a lot of things I could blame on my lack of posts lately:

• Single parenting: Brandon is away this month, and by the time I get the munchkins in bed for the night, I rarely have the gumption to do a whole lot more than crash myself. :-) Thankfully, the man of the house should be returning sometime this weekend. We are super duper excited to hear his voice again, give him lots of hugs and kisses, and throw him a party (the kids are planning quite the bash including silly string, party poppers, signs and banners, cupcakes decorated by little fingers, and cookies.) I'm sure Daddy will be thrilled.

• Trips and Travels: We had the great opportunity to head up to TC for 2 weeks to spend some time with my fam. It was a wonderful, relaxing, enjoyable time. It's a rare opportunity that we get to have an extended period of time with my parents. Since they both work and normally only get evenings with us, the kids don't get a whole lot of play time. :-) It was so fun to make up for that this time. The highlights were: late Easter egg hunts, trampoline jumping, playing soldiers with Papa, dance parties, Mario Cart on the Wii, meeting up with friends/family, and last but certainly not least, spending time with Mr. Shawn and Auntie Lins.

• Baby Bumps and Nights of Nausea: yeppers, I'm finally coming clean with the news! We are expecting Baby Brown #4, making his or her grand debut in December. :-) We are elated, and the kids are over the moon excited. It's been so fun watching them react to the news and go crazy over all things baby. This child has caused quite a bit of discomfort for mama lately, though, and at 14+ weeks, I just keep hoping that someday soon I'll find some relief. This is the first time around that I haven't found the 2nd trimester to bring automatic relief, but the upside is that this is great motivation to keep a clean toilet. ;-)

I guess that would be my top 3 in what could be a long list of excuses, but I do plan to be back sooner than later. :-) For now, it's time to get my sweeties off to bed so I can crash. ;-)

Conversations...

...Heard around this place recently...

(Ellie) Thank you, Brandon! Thank you!
(Brandon) You're welcome! ... for what?
(Ellie) For putting my baby in jail! She was being very naughty.

(no, this is not an indication of our discipline techniques at home! ;-))


~~~~~~~~
(Ellie) Mommy, I'm gonna keep you forever!!! (Big hug)


~~~~~~~~
(Ellie - after observing a rather extended battle between mommy and Ethan, which FINALLY resulted in his obedience)
"Good job, Ethan!! You're my baby hero!!!!


~~~~~~~~~

I came out of the kitchen to see all three kids sitting nearly on top of each other on the couch they were so close. Ellie said excitedly, "We're SNUGGLING together!!!" :-D



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(Ethan - after months of complete refusal to talk or even attempt verbal communication, he finally broke his silence on Sunday with the following words)
"Ball!" .... "Cheese!" ... "Teddy!"

He may not say much, but he's got the important words down! ;-) ;-)


~~~~~~~~~~

(Ellie) Brandon, will you marry me? (their new favorite game as of late! :-D)

(Brandon) Yes, but not right now.

(Ellie) Not right now? When?

(Brandon) Probably after dinner.

(The kid has his priorities straight after all.)




~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ellie) Mommy, why are you wearing Daddy's shorts?

(Me) Ummm, Ellie? These are mommy's shorts.

(Ellie) Oh. Ok. Well, you look really pretty, Mommy.

(It's sort of difficult to accept a compliment prefaced like that, but I guess I'll take it. haha!)



~~~~~~~~~~~

(Brandon - after working with he and Ellie to begin teaching them the books of the Old Testament in order, here was his first solo attempt...)

"Genesis, Exodus, Lettuce, Numbers, and (with gusto) DEUTERONIMOUS!!!" :-D

(A day or two later, we were reviewing the information we'd covered about the structure of the Bible...)

(Mommy) So, the Bible has two parts. The Old.....(long pause, waiting for the answer..)

(Ellie) The Olllld MAN!!

(Mommy) Not quite. The Old Testament. Good try though, El. ;-)

(Yes, we might need to review that info just a bit more.... :-D :-D)



~~~~~~~~~~

Brandon looked out the window to see our neighbor (an elderly man) on his roof.

(B) Chris is up on his roof. I wonder if he needs help.

(Li'l B) Daddy, you should go. Be a missionary. Save the world.



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Life with three kiddos is a lot of things, but it is certainly  NEVER dull. :-D So thankful for children that make me chuckle every day of the week. :-)

Plans of the heart

This past month has looked nothing like I planned. I am still marveling at how turned upside down our world has been in the past weeks. According to plan, Brandon was supposed to be away finishing up the culminating exercise of the school he's in. The kids and I were planning to head to Traverse City for a couple of weeks to spend some special time with my parents before coming back to prepare for Brandon's return and the end of quite a journey that this course has been for us.



We didn't plan on the tornado that ripped through our neighborhood the afternoon before Brandon was supposed to leave. Being from MI, we are much more used to blizzards than tornados. This was quite the experience, and seeing the devastation in its wake still catches my breath. God was beyond gracious to us. We had one large tree down in our back yard which caused some property damage, our yard was strewn with debris, our grill and swing were tipped over and bent up a bit, but our home untouched. Each of us were unharmed, perfectly safe (even if the kids were a bit traumatized from hiding in the tub and listening to the "freight train" go by.) Out of 800 or so homes in our neighborhood, over half were damaged or destroyed completely. Trees were uprooted or snapped in half. Power lines were (and still are in some spots) snapped and frayed, with the poles down or cracked in two. It's amazing what a powerful storm like that can do in just minutes. The first time we walked around surveying the damage, Ellie repeated several times, "Mommy, this breaks my heart." Indeed.



Needless to say, Brandon didn't make it out the next morning. It took several days before we were able to easily move around the neighborhood due to the downed trees and debris cluttering the roadways. We were without power nearly a week, and some of our neighbors still haven't had power restored. The past couple of weeks have been a neat time for us to meet new friends in our neighborhood, to offer a helping hand as much as we can, and to try to find ways to practically meet the needs of so many who were affected so much more deeply than we were.

It's also been a time to count our blessings. We are so thankful for the Lord's protective hand upon our lives and our home. We have had several conversations with the kids about His gracious protection in our lives, and as they've walked around seeing what could have so easily been us, they've been moved to thankfulness, too. In fact, while I wouldn't have chosen to have such a tragedy happen here, I will say things like this help to bring perspective on what really matters in life and how dependent we are on the mercies of God for each day.



So nowadays, things like going and picking strawberries as a family or being able to switch on a light in the evening instead of fumble about in the dark seem like quite a blessing.



The day after the tornado hit, I "happened" to read Proverbs 16:1 in my quiet time: The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD. What a great reminder that none of this surprised our Father, that He is working and moving despite our inability to understand the reasoning behind His plans. God is good all the time.



Thank you all for your prayers for us and especially for our neighbors who have lost so much.

Sending love.

Ellie's Princess

I've been mulling over some thoughts for the past few days, trying to formulate them clearly enough to put them on paper. All of my thoughts stem from a simple trip to Walmart that ended up providing a life changing Truth for me.

I have to preface this by saying that the Walmart nearest my house is often referred to as "the ghetto." It is frequented by many questionable characters, and it's not a place I often (if ever) visit alone after dark. :-)

On this particular afternoon, I was hurrying through the parking lot trying to get through the double doors when I spotted a woman. I'm going to be brutally honest here. This woman caught my attention because of her size. She was extremely overweight, so much so that she could barely walk. Every step seemed incredibly difficult, and she leaned on her cart for assistance every time she picked up her foot to move forward. I tried not to stare and kept walking when an enthusiastic comment from Ellie nearly stopped me in my tracks: "Mommy!!! Look at her BEAUTIFUL princess dress!!!!" I glanced back to see that this woman was indeed wearing a dress with a bright yellow flowing skirt.  I quietly acknowledged Ellie's comment and moved on, but her words rang in my head and have stuck in my heart ever since.

In her childlike innocence, Ellie had missed the flaw that I had seen instantly.  Ellie looked at this woman and only saw her beauty. As I've thought about this over the last few days, I realized how clearly Ellie reflected our God of grace who died for mankind to secure our redemption even while we were yet sinners (Rom5:8) A perfect, holy God who extends a relationship to me, who pursues me, and who loves me unconditionally despite my many shortcomings, sins, selfishness, and pride. A righteous God who is in need of nothing, yet still desires a relationship with me. An amazing God who is complete in Himself yet still chooses to use me for His Purposes. A loving God who calls me His Bride and promises to return for me and take me to His glorious home, even when I sometimes live as though this world is all there is. Because of Christ, God can look at me and see beauty. God can cover over my many flaws and see His Bride. Or in Ellie's words, His "Princess." :-)

How I pray that God would give me the eyes of a child to see others the way God sees, to extend to others the same incredible grace I have received. "As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (Jn 13:34-35)

What a difference we could make if we chose to see value in those that the world rejects, if we chose to overlook the flaws and see the masterpiece, if we chose to remember all we have been saved from and the ugliness of our own sin more often so that we could humbly extend grace to those the world often dismisses or avoids. How many lives would be changed if we allowed the gracious love of God to so radically impact and fill us that we couldn't do any less than love others with His love?

Today I went to the commissary with the kids. It was pouring down rain (I literally had to blow dry my hair a second time after returning home because I looked like a drowned rat!), and the kids were tired. Ethan fussed loudly almost the entire time. Brandon tried a food sample that he disliked, then proceeded to gag and puke on the commissary floor. Obviously, the trip was not going well! Shortly after the puking incident, a woman approached me with a kind smile and said, "I just wanted you to know I remember the days of having young children. I know it can be hard, but you are doing a great job. Good for you. And your children are BEAUTIFUL!"

I'm sure it took quite a lot for her to look past Ethan's red, blotchy, snotty face and Brandon's hands full of puke-covered wipes (we were in search of a trash can, after all!), but she did. She overlooked it all and spoke life-giving, loving words. She may have no idea just how deeply I needed encouragement or how vastly she changed my perspective, but I pray I never forget that moment. I pray that God will give me eyes to see people as His priceless masterpieces and the grace to love others as richly, freely, and impartially as He does.

I pray I never forget the lesson I learned from Ellie's Princess.

Ellie's Princess

I've been mulling over some thoughts for the past few days, trying to formulate them clearly enough to put them on paper. All of my thoughts stem from a simple trip to Walmart that ended up providing a life changing Truth for me.

I have to preface this by saying that the Walmart nearest my house is often referred to as "the ghetto." It is frequented by many questionable characters, its parking lot is often known to have  homeless people walking around asking for money, and it's not a place I often (if ever) visit alone after dark. :-)

On this particular afternoon, I was hurrying through the parking lot trying to get through the double doors when I spotted a woman. I'm going to be brutally honest here. This woman caught my attention because of her size. She was extremely overweight, so much so that she could barely walk. Every step seemed incredibly difficult, and she leaned on her cart for assistance every time she picked up her foot to move forward. I tried not to stare and kept walking when an enthusiastic comment from Ellie nearly stopped me in my tracks: "Mommy!!! Look at her BEAUTIFUL princess dress!!!!" I glanced back to see that this woman was indeed wearing a dress with a bright yellow flowing skirt.  I quietly acknowledged Ellie's comment and moved on, but her words rang in my head and have stuck in my heart ever since.

In her childlike innocence, Ellie had missed the flaw that I had seen instantly.  Ellie looked at this woman and only saw her beauty. As I've thought about this over the last few days, I realized how clearly Ellie reflected our God of grace who died for mankind to secure our redemption even while we were yet sinners (Rom5:8) A perfect, holy God who extends a relationship to me, who pursues me, and who loves me unconditionally despite my many shortcomings, sins, selfishness, and pride. A righteous God who is in need of nothing, yet still desires a relationship with me. An amazing God who is complete in Himself yet still chooses to use me for His Purposes. A loving God who calls me His Bride and promises to return for me and take me to His glorious home, even when I sometimes live as though this world is all there is. Because of Christ, God can look at me and see beauty. God can cover over my many flaws and see His Bride. Or in Ellie's words, His "Princess." :-)

How I pray that God would give me the eyes of a child to see others the way God sees, to extend to others the same incredible grace I have received. "As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (Jn 13:34-35)

What a difference we could make if we chose to see value in those that the world rejects, if we chose to overlook the flaws and see the masterpiece, if we chose to remember all we have been saved from and the ugliness of our own sin more often so that we could humbly extend grace to those the world often dismisses or avoids. How many lives would be changed if we allowed the gracious love of God to so radically impact and fill us that we couldn't do any less than love others with His love?

Today I went to the commissary with the kids. It was pouring down rain (I literally had to blow dry my hair a second time after returning home because I looked like a drowned rat!), and the kids were tired. Ethan fussed loudly almost the entire time. Brandon tried a food sample that he disliked, then proceeded to gag and puke on the commissary floor. Obviously, the trip was not going well! Shortly after the puking incident, a woman approached me with a kind smile and said, "I just wanted you to know I remember the days of having young children. I know it can be hard, but you are doing a great job. Good for you. And your children are BEAUTIFUL!"

I'm sure it took quite a lot for her to look past Ethan's red, blotchy, snotty face and Brandon's hands full of puke-covered wipes (we were in search of a trash can, after all!), but she did. She overlooked it all and spoke life-giving, loving words. She may have no idea just how deeply I needed encouragement or how vastly she changed my perspective, but I pray I never forget that moment. I pray that God will give me eyes to see people as His priceless masterpieces and the grace to love others as richly, freely, and impartially as He does.

I pray I never forget the lesson I learned from Ellie's Princess.

Beans

The highlight of my Saturday was most definitely the memorial service for Beans. Beans, you ask? Yes, Beans. The dead frog that Li'l B found in the creek. In an effort to get him to resist playing with the dead (and rather smelly, I might add!) frog, I suggested burying him. While at first that idea was met with great resistance (after all, the ants live underground! They would get him for sure!), I managed to win B over by bringing out a small box and offering to help give him a proper burial. :-)



Brandon has only been to one funeral, but he remembered enough about it to know that graves need "signs" next to them, and that graves need flowers around them. He suggested that we "make up" a birthday for Beans, and that he and Beans should be the same age. Therefore, the paper gravestone we made for Beans records his birthday to have been February 13th.



B then asked me what people do at funerals. After giving a few ideas, B stood next to the graveside and offered up these "nice words" about Beans: "Beans loved to jump. He loved to hop. He loved the creek. And I loved Beans. Rest in Peace, Beans." (yes, I did coach him with the last line. I couldn't help myself!! And actually, the first time he got it wrong and said, "Rest in Beans." It was all I could do not to lose it. This was a very serious moment after all! :-D)



He ended the service by singing an adorable and sincere version of "5 Green and Speckled Frogs." :-) (After all, isn't that a most appropriate song for a froggy funeral?!) :-D



After the "service" was over, B would come periodically and check on me: Mom? Are you still sad about Beans, even though you don't have any tears? I told him I was ok, and to which he replied, "Oh, I am, too. I am still sad, though." The events of the day also spurred questions such as, "Where do animals go when they die? Do they have souls? Do they have spirits?"



In addition, the pre-service digging spurred the rest of the afternoons activities: digging holes for rocks, digging holes for leaves, digging holes for pinecones ... well, you get the idea. :-) Of course since I had shown such proficiency at digging a grave for Beans, I was invited to join in the digging fun. As I sat there digging in the dirt with my boy, he randomly said to Ellie and I, "I'm so thankful that I have a Mommy. And I'm SO thankful that she plays with me." As if my heart hadn't melted several times over already, he set me off again. What a sweetheart.

Could having a 5 year old boy be any more fun?!

Could I be more richly blessed?

R.I.P., Beans... :-D :-D

Whirlwind month!

Eek, almost a month between blogs. That's just how it goes sometimes I guess. What can I say? It's been a great, busy few weeks. Here's a quick recap...

*We enjoyed a week long visit with Matt, Kristi, and the kiddos. What a blast! The kids are quickly becoming sweet friends, spent many hours playing outside (yay for spring in February. I love the south!!!), and the adults fit in lots of  talking, teasing, and fun as well. Aaaand, I totally forgot to get Kristi's pictures from her camera, so photos from that great week will have to wait.



* The day after Matt and Kristi left, we enjoyed a visit from Grandmama and Grandpapa Barr. :-) They took Brandon and Ellie on several fun adventures, babysat all three so B and I could have a date night, and joined us for Brandon's 5th birthday party. Our time with them literally flew by! Ellie insisted that they should just stay here "forever!" :-) So sweet.



*Saturday we threw a bowling birthday party for our big 5 year old! What fun to get a little group of kiddos together to bowl together. Too cute. One of my favorite moments was watching a ball go down the lane in slow motion (no joke!), take FOREVER to arrive at the other end, and then, somehow, create enough force to cause a strike!!! :-D We all just burst out laughing.

*Brandon and Ellie also had their first dentist appointments this week! Since you never know for sure how your kids will react to new things, I tried to prep them as well as I could and just hoped all would go well. :-) They did wonderfully ... opened their mouths wide like alligators, let the dentist "count" every tooth and then polish them clean, opened and closed their mouth for "Mr. Thirsty" (the water sucker thingy;-)), sat perfectly still for x-rays, and even attempted to rinse with flouride. I felt like a bit cheesy coming in with my camera, but I just had to get a few pictures of their first dental adventure. We love our dentist here!!!

[caption id="attachment_127" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="I told Ethan to smile...:) Love that kid!"][/caption]



*On top of our family adventures, Brandon is very busy with the course he is in and is under a lot of stress. We are learning daily to surrender the pressures, stresses, and busyness to the Lord. He has sustained us thus far, and it's neat to see Him continue to provide and in the midst of the stresses give us opportunities for growth and ministry with those He's placing in our path.



So there's a quick recap. I will try my best to make my next post a bit more witty, catchy, and creative. :-) For now, this is all I've got. :-) Sending love! :-)